"I
Kissed Dating Goodbye"
by
Joshua Harris
This book is absolutely radical, and sometimes, it just shocked me. It challenged me greatly, and made me see my own blind spots. I attempted to read this book when I was 17 years old (it was a gift given to me by a concerned older brother/pastor), but did not allow myself to get past the first chapter, and thought it was such a stupid book (I also skipped the intro back then). I picked it up again recently (now I'm 21), and I was absolutely blown away, especially after reading chapter 15.~James
Book Description
Amazon.com
While most Christians agree to seek purity and save sex for marriage, few
have been given a blueprint for how that should affect their view of dating
and love. In I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris exposes the "Seven
Habits of Highly Defective Dating" and offers a realistic outline of how
to have a biblical vision of marriage. Harris contends that one must begin
with a new attitude, viewing love, purity, and singleness from God's perspective
rather than thinking that love and romance are to be enjoyed "solely for
recreation." In such well-named chapters as "Guarding Your Heart" and "What
Matters at Fifty," Harris encourages the reader to look at one's character
rather than reveling in infatuation, to regard love as a truly selfless,
biblical act rather than a feeling. He refutes the concept that we are victims
of "falling in love" (that it is beyond our control), saying that "God wants
us to seek guidance from scriptural truth, not feeling. Smart love looks
beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. It looks at
the big picture: serving others and glorifying God." Before you roll your
eyes, moaning that this sounds terribly unromantic, know that Harris does
a superb job of couching his convictions in the sincere belief that if we
are purposeful in our singleness and date with integrity, a fulfilled marriage
awaits us--in God's timing. --Jill Heatherly --This text refers to an out
of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Book Description
Joshua Harris's first book, written when he was only 21, turned the Christian
singles scene upside down...and people are still talking. More than 800,000
copies later, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, with its inspiring call to
sincere love, real purity, and purposeful singleness, remains the benchmark
for books on Christian dating. Now, for the first time since its release,
the national #1 bestseller has been expanded with new content and updated
for new readers. Honest and practical, it challenges cultural assumptions
about relationships and provides solid, biblical alternatives to society's
norm.
READER'S COMMENTS ON
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
If you don't want to invest money in it, then give your local library a visit. As a twenty year old college student who dated a lot in high school I found this book to be extremely refreshing to all the other dating advice I have received from my friends, magazines, and even church! Most of the people that gave Harris a negative review found one example or even one statement that they did not like. If you get the general point of the book, that you should put God first and develop a strong relationship with Him, and devote the time that you are single to serve him, then you will love this book. I suspect that most people read the title and begin reading the book, wanting to hate it. AND THEY DO!!! Its easy to hate a book that tells you to put your human wants and desires second to God and His plan for you!!! Give this book a chance; if you truly have a desire to place God before any man or woman then READ IT.~E
I read several reviews and felt confused by them. After reading the book, I am MORE confused by them. Why bother writing negativity regarding this book, when it is clear that your agenda is that of anger towards Christianity and the church. I think most of us have been there! However, this book is a true find! It does not say dating is BAD, WRONG, or anything even close! Joshua Harris talks about how getting involved in the relationship before being ready can set you up for hurt and how we can hurt others. The book talks about Godly principles and why we are to live our lives this way. If you do not want to know how, and why to not date......why buy it? If you are a Christian.....or even NOT a Christian, but are someone who feels empty and let down by the relationships you have been in, this book might help you understand why. If you are a person who wants to please the Lord and hold off on relationships......but the only thing you've heard is "we don't date because the Bible says it's a sin"....and that is NOT helping you.....this book might help you to understand better why God has set things up the way He has. This is NOT a date bashing book. I am a mom of two, I'm reading it first, and it is helping me to understand as I too was brought up with "dating is a sin". I also read without a hint and found that book to be very insightful. The next step....boy meets girl....I skimmed through and it seems better suited for those who are ready to take that commitment step. Joshua Harris writes his books for REAL people. He speaks of his own shortcomings and how they changed the way he did/does things. Everyone makes mistakes and if we can help others by being vulnerable, open, and talking about them....we should, and that is what these books are about.~Anon
This has been a very informative book. I am having my teen children read it. I wish someone had talked to me about this type of thing when I was in the dating phase. I like the fact that for those who have already gone down a path of letting too much of the physical get into their relationships, Josh reminds that Jesus can take those things and wash them clean. Definitely didn't make me feel like he was condemning. Very refreshing when you look at society's view of "if it feels good do it" and "look out for number one". I will recommend this book to all my friends.~Rhonda
I have read
this book many times. I heard about it on the christian radio I begged my
mom to buy me a copy. She was surprised that I wanted a book about not dating
for Christmas. By the time I was half way through this amazing book I had
laughed, cried, and asked God to please help me live the way that Josh talked
about. I do not think that getting to know someone and being in a relationship
is wrong but, I agree with Josh that we should get to know the person first.
I think one of my favorite parts of this entire book was all of the many
verses that were in it. It is one thing to here about what man says about
dating it is another to here about what God thinks. I was amazed that so
many people thought of this book as silly or unrealistic. The stories showed
me how I didnt want to act when I do start dating. Overall thios is a wonderful
book that I think all teens need to read. I will never forget the things
that I learned in this book.~Jen
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
Interesting thoughts! It makes one think about why we do the things that
we do. I look forward to sharing some of theses ideas with my daughter when
she is a little older. I think that it is worth reading. A new outlook on
dating.~D
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
I feel bad for those that don't see the rhyme and reason for Joshua's God-given
insights towards courting as oppossed to dating. As a counselor on relationships
for 6 years, I offer this book to both girls and guys that realize thier
dating styles are leading them nowhere. Many have expressed a change of heart
and embrace the new mindset of purposeful relationships with someone of the
Godly character they wish to marry. I would never recommend something I myself
do not beleive in and stood by courting prinicpals for 7 years. Many men
made fun of me or called me stuck up while girlfreinds thought I was wasting
my single time or being legalistic.To make a long but charming story short,
I met a man on an arranged blind date, set up by loved ones that knew us
well. Six months later we began courting(intentional dating)got engaged three
months later and married six months from there. We have been married for
only a year and half and are by no means experts on marriage yet. We celebrate
the lessons learned on sexual purity, communication,trust, love, freindship
and covenantal marriage Joshua teaches from the Bible. In our rough times
we have a solid, no regret, foundation and history to push us towards fullfilling
our vows. All the tough subjects that come up are not new since we spoke
on and had intense premarital counseling before giving ourselves to each
other emotionally and physically in marriage. Sadly, many of those friends
that disagreed with courtship are still single and finding wisdom in courtship
now but not without some painful baggage they've picked up not to mention
the wasted years in the dating cycle.~Cassandra
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
Wow! Wow! Do not hesitate in getting this book. I'm going to read it a 2nd
time. Good thing I had a couple red pens because the first one went dry due
to the need to underline so many wonderful, Godly points. Joshua Harris is
remarkably mature and insightful for his age (early 20s).
I'm 26 and now "I've kissed dating goodbye," too. Having been incredibly
hurt (and also causing an incredible amount of hurting) in my last
supposedly-Christian relationship, the new, God-centered approach he outlines
seems like exactly what God would have me do. I've learned to be content
in this "season of singleness" and to seek to serve God and prepare for the
future He has for me.
Harris' prayer for us is God's prayer (Phillipians 1:9-11, "That your love
my abound more and more in knowledge and insight so that you may be able
to discern what is best and be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,
filled with the fruits of righteousness...") This is just one of literally
tens of Biblical references that guides Harris every step of the way.
If I could have one wish, it was that I would have read this book in 11th
grade, before I started dating. It would have saved me (and my ex-girlfriends)
a lot of hurt. Thankfully, all things are made new in Christ, and it's never
to late to be made new!
This book would also be great for married people! In fact, I gave a copy
to my mom, both so that she can better understand her children, and also
so that she can read about Harris' insights into God-centered relationships.
Harris challenges us to serve our brothers and sisters in Christ by protecting
both our and their purity, and by not pursuing romantic relationships, contact
or activities until God has prepared us and has given us the person He would
have us be with. No, he doesn't advocate becoming a hermit. On the contrary,
his approach teaches us to cultivate deeper (100% Godly) relationships with
members of the opposite sex, carried out only in group settings, so "that
nothing need be hidden." I've now got a "passion for purity" in relationships
and life in general! While we can never completely eliminate sin, we are
either progressing toward or away from purity. Previously, I had been stepping
away too often.
It also lays out a Godly path for dealing with tough situations in relationships.
And it concludes with a helpful section on how to move toward marriage with
a potential spouse in a Godly-fashion when God has ordained the "when" and
the "who"! Rather than being an "obligation" to wait to date, Harris presents
it in a way that makes me feel priveleged to serve God (and myself and His
Children) in this way.
Harris also includes many good references for further reading. I'm reading
one of those books now, called "The Rich Single Life" by C.J. Mahaney. It's
also outstanding.
I guarantee you've never read a book on relationships like this. As Harris
says, "this is not a "how to date" book but a "how to break up with dating
book!"" It's impossible to say too many good things about this book.
I've learned the importance of preparation, service, humility, contentedness,
prayer, purity, love, gentleness, self-control, patience, knowledge, tenderness,
compassion, vision, listening, and so much else.
I'm literally on-line right now buying a case of this book to give away to
friends & family. I've already given away 3 copies. In the inscription
on my brother's (age 16) copy, I wrote "This may be the most important gift
I've ever given you."
I would strongly encourage anyone, whether in a relationship or not, Christian
or not, to get this book and STUDY it immediately. It will change your life,
too!~Chris
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
I finally finished "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, and I must
say I'm very surprised. I threw away the book the first time around because
I couldn't finish it. I thought it was the biggest load of garbage I ever
read. I wish I could have read it sooner. I will not share my experiences
here, but it has lead to a lot of pain.
Harris confronts the Christian world about our attitudes about dating. It's
not about dating or finding that special someone, but about the way we've
approached both. It's not "dating evil, courtship good," but rather how we
should please God in every one of our relationships. Of course, everyone's
situation is different, so it doesn't apply to everyone. However, we should
examine ourselves to see if we're truly in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5), and to
examine our motives in light of Scriptures like 1 Corinthians 13 to see if
we truly love someone.
Although I still find some of the ideas a little extreme (like not having
lunch together, just you and a girl), I now understand the motive and intentions
behind his ideas. Yes, it is about minimizing pain and temptation, but more
than that, it's a reminder that God's grace is stronger than our will and
our sins.~Ender
This book is great, the quality of this
book is extremely perfect for my life...personally, I'd read 100 more of
Joshua's books, they keep my attention and its just what I need. I found
I couldnt put this book down, I know that God gave him the wisdom to reach
the heart of teenagers.~Alvin
After years of scoffing at Joshua Harris
and the idea that dating could indeed be the wrong track, I read his book.
I must say that there was a lot more to it than I'd expected to find. Harris
seems to be saying that you can have fun, you can spend time with members
of the opposite sex and you can even be attracted to others; but you should
only seek exclusive relationships with the full (and disclosed) intent of
marriage. The "perks" of marriage should only come when you are willing to
sacrifice and truly love. These things ultimately manifest themselves in
commitment (i.e. marriage vows). Though the majority of the book is good
I will say that I think Harris tends to relegate celibacy to third-rate status
(and this between two options). I truly believe celibacy is left out of most
every marriage discussion, despite the fact that Paul puts his support behind
it in opposition to marriage. This is a huge place for a book of this nature
to fail. When Harris makes the basis of his logic in the book love for and
service to others above your self because of one's love for and service to
Christ, celibacy should not be forgotten. It is a valid option that too often
is viewed as a burden and not a gift. There are probably sitting in their
youth groups hearing about how great sex and marriage are, and feeling like
crap because they've just realized that God may not have a mate for them
and they are going to be lonely and incomplete for the rest of their lives.
Granted this situation will always happen to someone, but the fact is that
the body of Christ should do everything that they can to encourage those
who feel that they are being compelled celibacy, or maybe they just aren't
too terribly compelled toward marriage. This is certainly something that
we should expect from a book that claims to be, and is on many fronts, touting
a revolutionary manner of thinking about pre-marital relationships.~Jared
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
This book really took me by surprise. It includes concepts about relationships
and dating that I'd never thought of or even heard of. The book is a page-turner,
concise, and powerfully inspiring. I definitely recommend it to individuals
who want to go higher in God!~E.Lyons
I personally
find Joshua Harris' approach to dating refreshing and good advice. The fact
is the average teenager is still developing mentally, emotionally and in
many more ways and still need more time to be prepared, before giving themselves
in a committed relationship.
I believe the main message of this book is about waiting for maturity and
self-control, so as to maximize your choice later in life. Those who object
to its principles seem to prefer to live their lives in a less controlled
manner, taking unnecessary risks which others may wish to avoid. True love
waits. I waited like Joshua and now eat the beautiful fruits that maturity
brings, so too does my mate. Happy reading and waiting to you all.~Amore
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
This book has had more impact on my life than any other book out there (save
the Bible). Josh's point is not that we should give up dating, but re-examine
how we go about finding a spouse in light of our relationship with Jesus
Christ. When we do that, many will realize that today's dating is not a
Christ-like way of finding someone he intends for us. He raises topics such
as the defects of dating, how we should view the opposite sex.
MOST of the reviews that did not like this book missed the entire point of
the novel, which is that dating should never be to gain experience in treating
people, because we lead the other person into thinking we have feelings beyond
what we have for them. The same goes for dating for enjoyment and having
a successful dating life, which are selfish ambitions. Josh's key point is
that love is not about what we get but what we give (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
and how we can best honor the other person. True friendship will yield the
knowledge of the opposite sex we need and courtship and marriage are simply
the end results of Godly-directed friendship with the right person.
Kudos to you Josh! You changed my life forever!~Bryan
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
I've never reviewed anything on Amazon.com before. But after reading this
book and reviewing some of the comments, I had to say something.
First on the book... I think it is an amazing insight into dating in our
culture. The book isn't as much about not dating as it is about realizing
the opportunity you have as a single person to work for God. He's basically
arguing that for the amount of time and energy we put into worrying about
the person we just met at the bar last night, we have an even better opportunity
to use that energy work for and bless God.
He's not saying anyone can't date. Rather, he's questioning the motivations
we have behind dating and asking people to really be honest with themselves.
One of the reviews posted here on Amazon said something to the effect that
"Harris is wrong, I need to date to learn more about relationships and the
opposite sex." Got news for you, this is the exact reason Harris says you
shouldn't be dating. If you view dating in and of itself as a reason to improve
your own "dating skills", you're using the other person in the relationship.
In some of the reviews people are basically saying, "Hey, I need to date
that way when I meet the right person I'll be ready!" Again, this is selfish
and speaks to many of Harris's points about how we use people to refine our
opinions of the opposite sex. It's as if we can take a peice of each person
we've dated in the past and we'll combine them into the perfect spouse!
I think the reason this book sparks so much debate is because it really calls
some people out in terms of their own dating lives. Harris basically says,
"If you've been with someone for so long and haven't figured out if you're
going to marry them, it's time to move on because all you're doing is using
the other person." Oooh boy - I can see some people not liking this. But
it's so true!!! He's saying, "Sex should be saved for marriage." Again, I'm
sure someone will argue, "but I love the person!" - but if you really love
the person, you'll wait.
I guess what's crazy, especially after reading some of the reviews, is that
people believe Harris says we just shouldn't date at all. Again, please actually
read the book. Harris is really saying that we need to reexamine our reasons
for dating in the first place and to enter into our relationships with the
opposite sex with God's intentions in mind (selfless love and friendship).
He argues we rush into dating to fulfill our romantic needs (needs that only
fulfill our selfish emotions and lust), instead of seeing the other person
as a friend in Christ.
I would whole heartedly recommend this book to anyone who is single and
struggling with their dating life.~KF
An amazing book! I admire Joshua
Harris for having the courage to write a book that was a long time coming.
Recreational dating has hurt far too many people. More than that, it is really
preparation for divorce - learning how to deal with broken relationships
instead of learning how to stay committed, even when things get tough. The
whole issue is boiled down to two factors - am I honouring God in my relationship
and am I honouring my Christian brother or sister? Joshua Harris does an
excellent job presenting the issues and I would recommend this book, as well
as the sequel, Boy Meets Girl, to anyone serious about keeping God first
in every area of their life.~Harncar
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
I read this book a couple years ago, when I was first getting acquainted
with the idea of courtship, and with the problems of promiscuous dating.
I had read the advice of some really extreme courtship folks (betrothal folks,
I should say), and I had heard a few nice courtship stories. "Look how great
and beautifully courtship worked for us. It'll work for you too! Just wait
for God's best. Someday you also will be able to tell a story that will make
your daughters go googly-eyed, a tale of breathtaking beauty and emotional
monogamy. Make a covenant with your eyes: don't look at a woman until you
get married. In fact, it's best if you don't even talk to a woman till then,
or at least as little as possible. Your wife will honor, respect, and love
you so much more if you don't comment on her beauty or inescapable attraction
until that first tingling, connubial kiss--she'll know you're saving your
praise for the many years of wedded bliss. It's, like, an irresistible turn-on,
knowing that you have this hidden cache of golden compliments just waiting
for her. I mean, you wouldn't want to break her heart by unearthing them
before you should. That might be ugly. Her Dad might break your kneecaps.
He *should*."
*cough* Ahem. Such is the idea of courtship that many people have, and that
I held to, in a little more favorable light. The way a lot of folks express
courtship, there seems to be no legitimate joy in relating with a person
who has different organs than you. The light-headed sensation when you talk
to a girl and notice how beautiful she is, that curiously exquisite tilt
to her smile, and the laugh that sounds like angels' harps, as musically
incorrect as that may be. The delightfully incongrous things she says from
time to time, and the jaw-dropping common sense and wisdom that emerges a
minute later. The way she notices and delights in the tiniest, most trivial,
even the most annoying characteristics of your dialog or manner of life.
The almost imperceptible difference between idiosyncrasy and idol, between
fault and fascination, between chafe and charm. Male-female relations are
rife with mystery and wonder, but the way some people describe it, enjoying
the mystery is the same as embracing wickedness. Sweetness becomes sin, and
it's no wonder people still want to date. The relationships may not last,
but at least they're happy while they do. Break my heart please--it's better
than the alternative.
What I liked about I Kissed Dating Goodbye was that Josh Harris preserved
the wonder of courtship, while still pointing out the dangers of promiscuity
in dating. He affirmed the legitimate joy and curiosity that guy-girl relations
will inevitably engender, and yet he pointed out that reckless abandon to
this curiosity, as characterizes much of the dating scene these days, is
wrongheaded and dangerous. He explained that dating simply to get those good
old romantic butterflies beating their wings in your stomach is just selfishness;
and yet he recognized that the butterflies were planted there by God, and
their fluttering really is a righteous thing to enjoy. He delves into why
dark living rooms and secluded parking lots are rather foolish places to
get weak in the knees; yet he also celebrates this mysterious, God-ordained
connection between feminine charm and shaky knees. Josh gave all the necessary
reasons why dating (or courtship--the term used doesn't matter; responsibility
is the point) should be kissed goodbye, and yet he didn't leave romantic
happiness behind at the door. I liked I Kissed Dating Goodbye because the
way Josh Harris painted the premarital picture, it looked more like Rembrandt
and less like Pollock, a pleasant escape from some of the other courtship
material I had read.~Joshua
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
First of all, as a young Christian adult, I have to say that this book taught
me what God wants from my life. This book re-focused what I should be worrying
about, and what I shouldn't be worrying about. So I love both this book and
the "Boy Meets Girl" book. I am looking forward to reading his newly published
"Not even a hint".
Everyone seems to be in this major commotion. The questions on everyone's
mind is: Should I date ? should I not date? Should I be courting?
We are hearing so many different things. (The enemy's way to bring confusion
to any one looking for a relationship.)
The message of these books is not not dating or courting. It is the way you
date or court. Depending on what you want to call it. Joshua states many
times, his books are not step-by-step guides for your life. This means that
you don't have to do everything to the letter b/c realistically all of our
situations are different. He does get this.I think that what he wants is
for this generation to open its eyes. For you to let God in on your love
life. To let Him be the One who,in the end, gives you the one He created
for you.
He asks some pretty tough questions:
what right do you have to toy with someone's emotions?
Should you be going that far, with out being married, just b/c you need your
sexual desires met? Are you jumping into a realtionship that you know won't
go anywhere, just b/c you don't want to feel alone? Are you tearing down
someone else's purity? Are you, personally trusting that God's plan for your
life, is better than your own?
We,all around the world,are being bombarded by messages of lust, of sexual
sin, and impurity. We are called to carry the torch. To be the Light,and
the salt of the world. God called you to be different, not the same. So YES
we should have a different standard when it comes to seeking a relationship.
I believe Harris describes this.
This does not mean that you never do anything and sit home alone. This means
that you have time to flourish to grow in relationships with people. That
you learn the arts of what you need to know for life itself.
why do you all think our divorce rate among Christians(yes Christians) is
so high? We are doing things the world's way, not God's way. Christ gave
you freedom in His life. As my pastor says not libertinaje. This means, you
don't just do what you want.
The main questions is: Do you trust what God is doing in your life?
He does love you, He made some one for you. When it is time, you will be
together.
I believe this is the message of this book and the answer to date or not
to date question.~A Reader
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
Dating relationships have changed more in the past 100 years than any other
time in history. With the invention of telephones, radio, TV, and computers
the changes in relationships all through our society has been turned complete
upside down and inside out. Has the "freedom" and the "trust your kids when
dating" help our marriages and families to be healthier. Quite the opposite
has happened. Our families are sicker than ever. The book "I Kissed Dating
Goodbye" brings back some of the timeless principles needed in forming healthy
bonds to promote solid families. We are not helpless animals. We can make
choices about what part sex should play in our pre-marriage days. When God
calls us to a standard of living, he will empower us to live it. Thank you,
Josh Harris, for an excellent book.~Coco
RE:
I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
I loved reading this book. It was really helpful in helping me decide what
boundaries I should set for a relationship. Josh wrote it in a way that wasn't
too confusing and it really got through to me. I know that the idea of waiting
until marriage to have sex is strange and stupid to some people , but Josh
gave really good arguements for it. I would totally recommend this book to
anyone who's just looking for some advice on dating in a way that'll make
God proud. It's awesome.~Chelsey
Read
more
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"I
Kissed Dating
Goodbye
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